Showing posts with label Better man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Better man. Show all posts

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Gaining Mastery: The Three Vital Steps of the Apprenticeship Phase


Gaining Mastery: The Three Vital Steps of the Apprenticeship Phase

by A MANLY GUEST CONTRIBUTOR on DECEMBER 5, 2012 · 
Editor’s Note: This is an excerpt from Robert Greene’s new book Mastery that he’s kindly allowed us to republish here on AoM. We’ve talked about mastery on the site before, and the one aspect of gaining mastery in any skill that gets overlooked by young men is what Greene calls the “Apprenticeship Phase.” It’s the time when you have to pay your dues and quietly work on what seems like boring drudgery. But in order to become truly great at something, it’s a phase that cannot be skipped. That’s why I asked Mr. Greene if we could re-publish this excerpt here. I highly recommend that you pick up a copy of Mastery. It’s one of the top five books I’ve read in 2012. 
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“One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself.”
—Leonardo da Vinci
In the stories of the greatest Masters, past and present, we can inevitably detect a phase in their lives in which all of their future powers were in development, like the chrysalis of a butterfly. This part of their lives—a largely self-directed apprenticeship that lasts some five to ten years—receives little attention because it does not contain stories of great achievement or discovery. Often in their Apprenticeship Phase, these types are not yet much different from anyone else. Under the surface, however, their minds are transforming in ways we cannot see but contain all of the seeds of their future success.
Much of how such Masters navigate this phase comes from an intuitive grasp of what is most important and essential for their development, but in studying what they did right we can learn some invaluable lessons for ourselves. In fact, a close examination of their lives reveals a pattern that transcends their various fields, indicating a kind of Ideal Apprenticeship for mastery. And to grasp this pattern, to follow it in our own ways, we must understand something about the very idea and necessity for passing through an apprenticeship.
In childhood we are inculcated in culture through a long period of dependency—far longer than any other animal. During this period we learn language, writing, math, and reasoning skills, along with a few others. Much of this happens under the watchful and loving guidance of parents and teachers. As we get older, greater emphasis is placed on book learning—absorbing as much information as possible about various subjects. Such knowledge of history, science, or literature is abstract, and the process of learning largely involves passive absorption. At the end of this process (usually somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five) we are then thrust into the cold, harsh work world to fend for ourselves.
When we emerge from the youthful state of dependency, we are not really ready to handle the transition to an entirely independent phase. We carry with us the habit of learning from books or teachers, which is largely unsuited for the practical, self-directed phase of life that comes next. We tend to be somewhat socially naïve and unprepared for the political games people play. Still uncertain as to our identity, we think that what matters in the work world is gaining attention and making friends. And these misconceptions and naïveté are brutally exposed in the light of the real world.
If we adjust over time, we might eventually find our way; but if we make too many mistakes, we create endless problems for ourselves. We spend too much time entangled in emotional issues, and we never quite have enough detachment to reflect and learn from our experiences. The apprenticeship, by its very nature, must be conducted by each individual in his or her own way. To follow precisely the lead of others or advice from a book is self-defeating. This is the phase in life in which we finally declare our independence and establish who we are. But for this second education in our lives, so critical to our future success, there are some powerful and essential lessons that we all can benefit from, that can guide us away from common mistakes and save us valuable time.
These lessons transcend all fields and historical periods because they are connected to something essential about human psychology and how the brain itself functions. They can be distilled into one overarching principle for the Apprenticeship Phase, and a process that loosely follows three steps.
The principle is simple and must be engraved deeply in your mind: the goal of an apprenticeship is not money, a good position, a title, or a diploma, but rather the transformation of your mind and character—the first transformation on the way to mastery. You enter a career as an outsider. You are naïve and full of misconceptions about this new world. Your head is full of dreams and fantasies about the future. Your knowledge of the world is subjective, based on emotions, insecurities, and limited experience. Slowly, you will ground yourself in reality, in the objective world represented by the knowledge and skills that make people successful in it. You will learn how to work with others and handle criticism. In the process you will transform yourself from someone who is impatient and scattered into someone who is disciplined and focused, with a mind that can handle complexity. In the end, you will master yourself and all of your weaknesses.
This has a simple consequence: you must choose places of work and positions that offer the greatest possibilities for learning. Practical knowledge is the ultimate commodity, and is what will pay you dividends for decades to come—far more than the paltry increase in pay you might receive at some seemingly lucrative position that offers fewer learning opportunities. This means that you move toward challenges that will toughen and improve you, where you will get the most objective feedback on your performance and progress. You do not choose apprenticeships that seem easy and comfortable.
In this sense you must see yourself as following in the footsteps of Charles Darwin. You are finally on your own, on a voyage in which you will craft your own future. It is the time of youth and adventure—of exploring the world with an open mind and spirit. In fact, whenever you must learn a new skill or alter your career path later in life, you reconnect with that youthful, adventurous part of yourself. Darwin could have played it safe, collecting what was necessary, and spending more time on board studying instead of actively exploring. In that case, he would not have become an illustrious scientist, but just another collector. He constantly looked for challenges, pushing himself past his comfort zone. He used danger and difficulties as a way to measure his progress. You must adopt such a spirit and see your apprenticeship as a kind of journey in which you will transform yourself, rather than as a drab indoctrination into the work world.

The Apprenticeship Phase—The Three Steps or Modes

With the principle outlined above guiding you in your choices, you must think of three essential steps in your apprenticeship, each one overlapping the other. These steps are: Deep Observation (The Passive Mode), Skills Acquisition (The Practice Mode), and Experimentation (The Active Mode). Keep in mind that an apprenticeship can come in many different forms. It can happen at one place over several years, or it can consist of several different positions in different places, a kind of compound apprenticeship involving many different skills. It can include a mix of graduate school and practical experience. In all of these cases, it will help you to think in terms of these steps, although you may need to give added weight to a particular one depending on the nature of your field.

Step One: Deep Observation—The Passive Mode


Charles Darwin’s voyage on the Beagle is a perfect example of the Deep Observation step in the Apprenticeship Phase.
When you enter a career or new environment, you move into a world with its own rules, procedures, and social dynamic. For decades or even centuries, people have compiled knowledge of how to get things done in a particular field, each generation improving on the past. In addition, every workplace has its own conventions, rules of behavior, and work standards. There are also all kinds of power relationships that exist between individuals. All of this represents a reality that transcends your individual needs and desires. And so your task upon entering this world is to observe and absorb its reality as deeply as possible.
The greatest mistake you can make in the initial months of your apprenticeship is to imagine that you have to get attention, impress people, and prove yourself. These thoughts will dominate your mind and close it off from the reality around you. Any positive attention you receive is deceptive; it is not based on your skills or anything real, and it will turn against you. Instead, you will want to acknowledge the reality and submit to it, muting your colors and keeping in the background as much as possible, remaining passive and giving yourself the space to observe. You will also want to drop any preconceptions you might have about this world you are entering. If you impress people in these first months, it should be because of the seriousness of your desire to learn, not because you are trying to rise to the top before you are ready.
You will be observing two essential realities in this new world. First, you will observe the rules and procedures that govern success in this environment—in other words, “this is how we do things here.” Some of these rules will be communicated to you directly—generally the ones that are superficial and largely a matter of common sense. You must pay attention to these and observe them, but what is of more interest are the rules that are unstated and are part of the underlying work culture. These concern style and values that are considered important. They are often a reflection of the character of the man or woman on top.
You can observe such rules by looking at those who are on their way up in the hierarchy, who have a golden touch. More tellingly, you can observe those who are more awkward, who have been chastised for particular mistakes or even been fired. Such examples serve as negative trip wires: do things this way and you will suffer.
The second reality you will observe is the power relationships that exist within the group: who has real control; through whom do all communications flow; who is on the rise and who is on the decline. These procedural and political rules may be dysfunctional or counterproductive, but your job is not to moralize about this or complain, but merely to understand them, to get a complete lay of the land. You are like an anthropologist studying an alien culture, attuned to all of its nuances and conventions. You are not there to change that culture; you will only end up being killed, or in the case of work, fired. Later, when you have attained power and mastery, you will be the one to rewrite or destroy these same rules.
Every task you are given, no matter how menial, offers opportunities to observe this world at work. No detail about the people within it is too trivial. Everything you see or hear is a sign for you to decode. Over time, you will begin to see and understand more of the reality that eluded you at first. For instance, a person whom you initially thought had great power ended up being someone with more bark than bite. Slowly, you begin to see behind the appearances. As you amass more information about the rules and power dynamics of your new environment, you can begin to analyze why they exist, and how they relate to larger trends in the field. You move from observation to analysis, honing your reasoning skills, but only after months of careful attention.
We can see how Charles Darwin followed this step quite clearly. By spending the first few months studying life on board the ship and perceiving the unwritten rules, he made his time for science much more productive. By enabling himself to fit in, he was able to avoid needless battles that would have later disrupted his scientific work, not to mention the emotional turmoil these would have presented to him. He later practiced the same technique with gauchos and other local communities he came in contact with. This allowed him to extend the regions he could explore and the specimens he could collect. On another level, he slowly transformed himself into perhaps the most astute observer of nature the world has ever known. Emptying himself of any preconceptions about life and its origins, Darwin trained himself to see things as they are. He did not theorize or generalize about what he was seeing until he had amassed enough information. Submitting to and absorbing the reality of all aspects of this voyage, he ended up piercing one of the most fundamental realities of all—the evolution of all living forms.
Understand: there are several critical reasons why you must follow this step. First, knowing your environment inside and out will help you in navigating it and avoiding costly mistakes. You are like a hunter: your knowledge of every detail of the forest and of the ecosystem as a whole will give you many more options for survival and success. Second, the ability to observe any unfamiliar environment will become a critical lifelong skill. You will develop the habit of stilling your ego and looking outward instead of inward. You will see in any encounter what most people miss because they are thinking of themselves. You will cultivate a keen eye for human psychology, and strengthen your ability to focus. Finally, you will become accustomed to observing first, basing your ideas and theories on what you have seen with your eyes, and then analyzing what you find. This will be a very important skill for the next, creative phase in life.

Step Two: Skills Acquisition—The Practice Mode

At some point, as you progress through the initial months of observation required in an apprenticeship, you will enter a critical stage: practice toward the acquisition of skills. Every human activity, endeavor, or career path involves the mastering of skills. In some fields, it is direct and obvious, like operating a tool or machine or creating something physical. In others, it is more of a mix of the physical and mental, such as the observing and collecting of specimens for Charles Darwin. In still others, the skills are more nebulous, such as handling people or researching and organizing information. As much as possible, you want to reduce these skills to something simple and essential—the core of what you need to get good at, skills that can be practiced.
In acquiring any kind of skill, there exists a natural learning process that coincides with the functioning of our brains. This learning process leads to what we shall call tacit knowledge—a feeling for what you are doing that is hard to put into words but easy to demonstrate in action. And to understand how this learning process operates, it is useful to look at the greatest system ever invented for the training of skills and the achievement of tacit knowledge—the apprenticeship system of the Middle Ages. This system arose as a solution to a problem: As business expanded in the Middle Ages, Masters of various crafts could no longer depend on family members to work in the shop. They needed more hands. But it was not worth it for them to bring in people who would come and go—they needed stability and time to build up skills in their workers. And so they developed the apprenticeship system, in which young people from approximately the ages of twelve to seventeen would enter work in a shop, signing a contract that would commit them for the term of seven years. At the end of this term, apprentices would have to pass a master test, or produce a master work, to prove their level of skill. Once passed, they were now elevated to the rank of journeymen and could travel wherever there was work, practicing the craft.
Because few books or drawings existed at the time, apprentices would learn the trade by watching Masters and imitating them as closely as possible. They learned through endless repetition and hands-on work, with very little verbal instruction (the word “apprentice” itself comes from the Latin prehendere, meaning to grasp with the hand). Because resources such as textiles, wood, and metals were expensive and could not be wasted on practice runs, apprentices would spend most of their time working directly on materials that would be used for the final product. They had to learn how to focus deeply on their work and not make mistakes.
If one added up the time that apprentices ended up working directly on materials in those years, it would amount to more than 10,000 hours, enough to establish exceptional skill level at a craft. The power of this form of tacit knowledge is embodied in the great Gothic cathedrals of Europe—masterpieces of beauty, craftsmanship, and stability, all erected without blueprints or books. These cathedrals represented the accumulated skills of numerous craftsmen and engineers.
What this means is simple: language, oral and written, is a relatively recent invention. Well before that time, our ancestors had to learn various skills—toolmaking, hunting, and so forth. The natural model for learning, largely based on the power of mirror neurons, came from watching and imitating others, then repeating the action over and over. Our brains are suited for this form of learning. In an activity such as riding a bicycle, we all know that it is easier to watch someone and follow their lead than to listen to or read instructions. The more we do it, the easier it becomes. Even with skills that are primarily mental, such as computer programming or speaking a foreign language, it remains the case that we learn best through practice and repetition—the natural learning process. We learn a foreign language by actually speaking it as much as possible, not by reading books and absorbing theories. The more we speak and practice, the more fluent we become.
Once you take this far enough, you enter a cycle of accelerated returns in which the practice becomes easier and more interesting, leading to the ability to practice for longer hours, which increases your skill level, which in turn makes practice even more interesting. Reaching this cycle is the goal you must set for yourself, and to get there you must understand some basic principles about skills themselves.
First, it is essential that you begin with one skill that you can master, and that serves as a foundation for acquiring others. You must avoid at all cost the idea that you can manage learning several skills at a time. You need to develop your powers of concentration, and understand that trying to multi task will be the death of the process.
Second, the initial stages of learning a skill invariably involve tedium. Yet rather than avoiding this inevitable tedium, you must accept and embrace it. The pain and boredom we experience in the initial stage of learning a skill toughens our minds, much like physical exercise. Too many people believe that everything must be pleasurable in life, which makes them constantly search for distractions and short-circuits the learning process. The pain is a kind of challenge your mind presents—will you learn how to focus and move past the boredom, or like a child will you succumb to the need for immediate pleasure and distraction? Much as with physical exercise, you can even get a kind of perverse pleasure out of this pain, knowing the benefits it will bring you. In any event, you must meet any boredom head-on and not try to avoid or repress it. Throughout your life you will encounter tedious situations, and you must cultivate the ability to handle them with discipline.
In practicing a skill in the initial stages, something happens neurologically to the brain that is important for you to understand. When you start something new, a large number of neurons in the frontal cortex (the higher, more conscious command area of the brain) are recruited and become active, helping you in the learning process. The brain has to deal with a large amount of new information, and this would be stressful and overwhelming if only a limited part of the brain were used to handle it. The frontal cortex even expands in size in this initial phase, as we focus hard on the task. But once something is repeated often enough, it becomes hardwired and automatic, and the neural pathways for this skill are delegated to other parts of the brain, farther down the cortex. Those neurons in the frontal cortex that we needed in the initial stages are now freed up to help in learning something else, and the area goes back to its normal size.
In the end, an entire network of neurons is developed to remember this single task, which accounts for the fact that we can still ride a bicycle years after we first learned how to do so. If we were to take a look at the frontal cortex of those who have mastered something through repetition, it would be remarkably still and inactive as they performed the skill. All of their brain activity is occurring in areas that are lower down and require much less conscious control.
This process of hardwiring cannot occur if you are constantly distracted, moving from one task to another. In such a case, the neural pathways dedicated to this skill never get established; what you learn is too tenuous to remain rooted in the brain. It is better to dedicate two or three hours of intense focus to a skill than to spend eight hours of diffused concentration on it. You want to be as immediately present to what you are doing as possible.
Once an action becomes automatic, you now have the mental space to observe yourself as you practice. You must use this distance to take note of your weaknesses or flaws that need correction—to analyze yourself. It helps also to gain as much feedback as possible from others, to have standards against which you can measure your progress so that you are aware of how far you have to go. People who do not practice and learn new skills never gain a proper sense of proportion or self-criticism. They think they can achieve anything without effort and have little contact with reality. Trying something over and over again grounds you in reality, making you deeply aware of your inadequacies and of what you can accomplish with more work and effort.
If you take this far enough, you will naturally enter the cycle of accelerated returns: As you learn and gain skills you can begin to vary what you do, finding nuances that you can develop in the work, so that it becomes more interesting. As elements become more automatic your mind is not exhausted by the effort and you can practice harder, which in turn brings greater skill and more pleasure. You can look for challenges, new areas to conquer, keeping your interest at a high level. As the cycle accelerates, you can reach a point where your mind is totally absorbed in the practice, entering a kind of flow in which everything else is blocked out. You become one with the tool or instrument or thing you are studying. Your skill is not something that can be put into words; it is embedded in your body and nervous system—it becomes tacit knowledge. Learning any kind of skill deeply prepares you for mastery. The sensation of flow and of being a part of the instrument is a precursor to the great pleasures that mastery can bring.
In essence, when you practice and develop any skill you transform yourself in the process. You reveal to yourself new capabilities that were previously latent, that are exposed as you progress. You develop emotionally. Your sense of pleasure becomes redefined. What offers immediate pleasure comes to seem like a distraction, an empty entertainment to help pass the time. Real pleasure comes from overcoming challenges, feeling confidence in your abilities, gaining fluency in skills, and experiencing the power this brings. You develop patience. Boredom no longer signals the need for distraction, but rather the need for new challenges to conquer.
Although it might seem that the time necessary to master the requisite skills and attain a level of expertise would depend on the field and your own talent level, those who have researched the subject repeatedly come up with the number of 10,000 hours. This seems to be the amount of quality practice time that is needed for someone to reach a high level of skill and it applies to composers, chess players, writers, and athletes, among others. This number has an almost magical or mystical resonance to it. It means that so much practice time—no matter the person or the field—leads to a qualitative change in the human brain. The mind has learned to organize and structure large amounts of information. With all of this tacit knowledge, it can now become creative and playful with it. Although the number of hours might seem high, it generally adds up to seven to ten years of sustained, solid practice—roughly the period of a traditional apprenticeship. In other words, concentrated practice over time cannot fail but produce results.

Step Three: Experimentation—The Active Mode

This is the shortest part of the process, but a critical component nonetheless. As you gain in skill and confidence, you must make the move to a more active mode of experimentation. This could mean taking on more responsibility, initiating a project of some sort, doing work that exposes you to the criticisms of peers or even the public. The point of this is to gauge your progress and whether there are still gaps in your knowledge. You are observing yourself in action and seeing how you respond to the judgments of others. Can you take criticism and use it constructively?
With Charles Darwin, as the voyage progressed and he began to entertain the notions that would lead to his theory of evolution, he decided to expose his ideas to others. First, on the Beagle, he discussed them with the captain and patiently absorbed his vehement criticisms of the idea. This, Darwin told himself, would be more or less the reaction of the public, and he would have to prepare himself for that. He also began to write letters to various scientists and scientific societies back in England. The responses he received indicated he was on to something, but that he would need some more research. For Leonardo da Vinci, as he progressed in his studio work for Verrocchio, he began to experiment and to assert his own style. He found to his surprise that the Master was impressed with his inventiveness. For Leonardo, this indicated that he was near the end of his apprenticeship.
Most people wait too long to take this step, generally out of fear. It is always easier to learn the rules and stay within your comfort zone. Often you must force yourself to initiate such actions or experiments before you think you are ready. You are testing your character, moving past your fears, and developing a sense of detachment to your work—looking at it through the eyes of others. You are getting a taste for the next phase in which what you produce will be under constant scrutiny.
You will know when your apprenticeship is over by the feeling that you have nothing left to learn in this environment. It is time to declare your independence or move to another place to continue your apprenticeship and expand your skill base. Later in life, when you are confronted with a career change or the need to learn new skills, having gone through this process before, it will become second nature. You have learned how to learn.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Why You Have To Ask Her Father

When other men ask me how I proposed to my wife, I like to package the story as a planning exercise. I present my proposal as the end of an operational process -- the successful product of setting and respecting a budget and timeline, then knocking off a series of milestones (buying the ring, scouting proposal venues, etc.). I tell the story this way because that’s how I like to remember it (I am a super-planner who reminisces about well-executed plans of the past), but also because I know that's what other men want to hear. When a guy asks you how you proposed, it's not because he's a sucker for romance. It's because he's planning to pop the question himself and is in need of guidance and reassurance. Describing the process as a detached and mechanical one, similar to planning a camping trip, makes it easier to embark on.

My story hits a snag, however, when I get into the least plannable and thus most stressful part of the proposal experience: asking her father for permission. It’s tough to forecast when the right moment will be to pull him aside, and near-impossible to guess what direction the discussion will take when you do. This particular milestone is shrouded in uncertainty, and I figure that’s why so many guys resist it. "Do you really have to ask him permission? Isn’t that a bit old-school?" Well, yes, it is kind of old-school, in the same way that opening the car door for her is. That’s part of the point.


You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. If you don’t, your failure to do so will haunt you forever. Here’s why.

Because Respect Breeds Respect

Men used to call their fathers-in-law “Sir” and made a show of losing games of canasta to them. You deferred to him for the simple reason that he had toughed through more of life than you had, and because you knew that your gestures of respect would later entitle you to similar groveling from your own future son-in-law. Alas, in their reckless pursuit for total equality, the baby boomers have razed the male hierarchy, and today young men approach their girlfriends’ dads with the goal of becoming “buddies.”


Well, guess what? He doesn’t want to be your buddy. He wants your respect, but has been socialized to no longer expect it. When you give it to him, you’ll set yourself apart from every other guy under 30 in his life -- including all his daughter’s ex-boyfriends.

Because It Will Fill Up Her Romance Rolodex

In an article for us, Wendy Walsh wrote that “a highly emotional romantic courtship before marriage breeds positive memories that help a couple ride out the rough patches.” You will not have a single better opportunity to stock her up on positive memories than at the moment of your proposal. So you need to maximize it by going 100% cheesy, rose petals and all. This includes respecting all the traditional rituals, from asking her dad at the outset to bending on one knee in the moment. 
Furthermore, consider every element of your proposal to be an item on a romance checklist that she will soon be cross-referencing with the checklists of her married female friends. Women are viciously competitive creatures; giving her occasion to boast that you pursued the face-to-face with her dad that their husbands pansied out of gives you serious currency.

Because You Don’t Really Have To

My own proposal was one of my proudest moments as a super-planner. I ticked off all the items on the romantic checklist, came in on budget and did it all -- from conception to execution -- in under three weeks. It would have been even more efficient were it not for the four days I spent hovering nervously around my prospective father-in-law, waiting for the right moment for the talk. As it turned out, I spent most of the talk explaining what the talk was. My father-in-law is French, and requesting permission is not at all a part of the marriage tradition there. When I launched into my speech, he didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.

So, for all my anxiety, I didn't really have to ask for permission. And you won’t really have to either -- at least in the sense that no one will call you out on it if you don't. But asking her father for permission is one of those tough things in life that you have to do precisely because you don’t have to. You can’t rely on anyone else's expectations to corral you into doing so -- only your own. When you do, you show him, her and the rest of the family that you have high expectations for yourself.

The only guys I know who deny the necessity of asking a father-in-law for permission are those who neglect to do so. When they deny it, they do so angrily. Every guy I know who did ask him permission boasts of doing so proudly -- like I just did, and like I hope you will. You will have earned it.

Best Man's Speech


"The speech you will give as a best man will be the toughest speech you give in your life. Or at least it would have been before you discovered this incredibly useful Madlibs-style template." 

The speech you will give as a best man will be the toughest speech you give in your life. Or at least it would have been before you discovered this incredibly useful Madlibs-style template, which will shave your speech preparation down from a couple of weeks to 10 minutes.

For your speech to be truly perfect, however, you must respect these two rules as you feel in the blanks:

1. Maintain the right emotional balance. The perfect best man's speech makes the audience laugh at the beginning and cry at the end. Don't get too emotional too quickly, or they will snicker at you.

2. Keep your anecdotes accessible. There is nothing worse than a speech that only the best man and groom can understand. Your jokes should feel like inside jokes to as much of the room as possible.

The Universally Perfect Best Man's Speech 


Good evening, everyone. Thanks for putting down your forks for long enough to give me your undivided attention. For those of you who don’t know who I am, I’m the best man. And before I say anything else, I’d like us all to take a moment to appreciate and raise our glasses to
 [names of parents who paid, starting with mom] for what has been thus far a wonderful celebration on such a special occasion. Now, I know that most of you don’t make it out often and only came here for the free [main course -- probably chicken], so I’ve been asked by [bride’s name] to instruct you not to make a scene -- I’m looking at you [troublesome uncle or youngest child in attendance].

I first met [groom’s name] at [authentic first meeting occasion], but I really got to know him at [another early meeting that supports coming anecdote].

Don’t worry, [bride’s name]. I’m not leading to the story you’re worried about!

So when I first saw [groom’s name] at [early meeting that supports coming anecdote], I couldn’t believe that he was [weird behavior that at least 80% of room will recognize]. Now, I know they say that you never get a second chance to make a first impression, but let’s just say that [groom’s name] should be grateful that that’s just a myth!

[Groom] stopped doing [aforementioned weird behavior] not long after that meeting, but, happily, he didn’t lose his [positive personality trait driving weird behavior]. And for anyone who doubted that he did, let’s not forget about our night at [bachelor party venue]… Just kidding, [bride’s name][Groom’s name] was as well behaved… ahem, dull… as [grumpiest person in attendance].

But there’s a lot more to being [positive personality trait driving weird behavior] than [aforementioned weird behavior]. We’ve all seen [groom’s name] bring his [positive personality trait] to his work as a [groom’s profession] and to his pursuit of [universally recognized hobby or pastime]. And it’s definitely been a driving force in a friendship that has lasted [length of time of friendship], with a lot of years yet to come.

And, in any case, we all knew that [aforementioned weird behavior] wouldn’t last forever. (At least we all hoped it wouldn’t!) If it had, then [bride’s name] probably wouldn’t have given [groom’s name] a second look at [venue of their first meeting], where they first met. Walking into [venue of their first meeting], I’m sure neither [groom’s name] nor [bride’s name] expected it to be the start of a journey that would lead us here today. After all, [bride’s name] was so busy with her [estimable occupation/hobby/passion of that time], while [groom’s name] was so busy with his [ridiculous/juvenile hobby], that neither thought that they had room for another person in their life. 

On [approximate date of first meeting], destiny changed their plans.

And this was the first of many changes to come in [groom’s name]’s life. First of all, gone were his [bad lifestyle habit] and his [bad fashion trademark]! But, more importantly, we started to see [groom’s name] shine in ways we never knew possible. [Bride’s name], whether it was through her [positive personality trait] or her introducing[groom’s name] to [positive group activity], brought a new dimension of happiness to him that even I had never seen. But, having got to know [bride’s name]’s family a bit more in recent weeks, now I understand where this happiness comes from.

In fact, tonight I see two very happy families coming together. And we all know how delicate interfamilial relations can be -- particularly when one family is [nationality or religious denomination of groom’s family] and the other is [nationality or religious denomination of bride’s family]. But whether it’s over a steaming plate of[traditional meal associated with nationality of one group] or getting together around the [icon associated with religious denomination of other group], it all comes down the same thing: love and mutual respect. And I think you would all agree that there’s a lot of that in this room today, and I think you’d also agree that there’s a lot of that between [groom’s name] and [bride’s name].

So let’s all raise our glasses to the happy couple. [Groom’s name] may not [aforementioned weird behavior] anymore, but with [bride’s name] at his side, his [positive personality trait driving weird behavior] is now perfectly matched. Cheers!

Read more: http://au.askmen.com/money/how_to/best-man-speech.html#ixzz2ANCa7Q83

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Creep??

You may have seen our AskWomen video series, where we got some real women to have some drinks and answer your questions about whether a guy can ever get out of the friend zone, whether size matters and whether body hair is a deal breaker. Well, here's a single girl's opinion on more of your questions. Readers have been kept anonymous.

Q: What is the best way to approach and talk to women? I mean, on public transport, at a shopping center, at a club/event, when she is with her friends, etc.?

A: Let me preface this by saying that while I fully expect to be skewered again for not fully answering the question at hand, perhaps one might consider that the questions being asked here don't ever have definitive, universal answers. Much like queries involving the meaning of life and reality of soul mates, this is pretty person-specific. Here is this person’s answer:

The cold, hard truth of the matter is that a woman’s reaction to your approach varies wildly depending on how attractive she finds you. (No. 1 recommendation? Check out these 10 proven ways to improve your attractiveness.) Unless you have a special psychic sense that allows you intuit her personality, you're picking her up because of her looks. What most guys don't realize is that she's judging you the same way. If she thinks you’re super hot, your bad joke will probably go over way better than if she doesn’t.

That being said, it is, of course, still important to engage a girl right off the bat. In my opinion, the best way to do this is to incorporate one or both of the following: humor and context. That is, be funny, and try not to be totally random. Humor is in the ear of the beholder, but context is pretty easy to explain. For example, if you’re shopping at Trader Joe’s, and you see an attractive female picking up a bag of Party Meatballs, you could casually stroll up to her and say something relating to how often you party hard with those meatballs and your friends Franklin and Bash, the renegade lawyers who practice law on their own terms on the USA Network. (For the record, I would find this totally charming and hilarious, but I love both Party Meatballs and the character development on USA).

The point is that whatever you say, it helps if it's relevant to the situation you both find yourselves in. Women will appreciate that you pay enough attention to draw some parallel between the two of you, as opposed to a completely random statement that could essentially be directed at any girl in the world. By providing context, you’re creating a shared moment, and that is much more likely to engage her. So whether it’s about the song playing on the jukebox or her really awesome band T-shirt or her choice in toppings at the self-serve fro-yo place, commenting on your shared surroundings in a humorous way is the best way to go about it. 

What's also a pretty solid no-fail tactic is if you ask her a question with an "either/or" option, a question she'll be forced to give an answer to, and then -- no matter what her answer -- disagree with her. Never ask "yes" or "no" questions; you're just giving her an excuse to bow out. But something like, "My friends and I were just discussing something. What do you think: Harry Potter or Lord of The Rings?" And no matter what she says, shake your head and look puzzled, like she gave the wrong answer. It'll spark discussion and annoy her just enough to keep her in the conversation. 

It might not always work, but it’s for sure the least creepy approach. (For the record, commenting on how hot she is -- that's usually creepy and not awesome. Don’t do it.)

Source: http://au.askmen.com/dating/heidi/how-to-start-a-conversation.html?utm_source=01.%20AskMen%20Newsletter%20-%20ALL&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Weekly%20June%2001_4742_217068_217142&utm_content=6791238#ixzz1wzHmwGb8

Post-Relationships

Everyone has been dumped or dumped someone, but there is a formula for success in this game to make sure both parties survive the ego bruise.
Where was I when I discovered the trick to kicking the craziness that comes from getting dumped? I’m glad you asked. I was at the supermarket checkout, waiting beside the magazines. I seriously saw God. OK, it wasn’t actually God. It was a tiny, pocket-sized book about dealing with breakups. I don’t know how it got there (my guess is it fell out of an issue of Cosmo), but I was convinced that this travel sized self-help book was specifically there for me.


I burned through it before it was even my turn to pay for my discounted tortilla chips. I don’t remember much of what the book said, but what I do remember is that it used the word rejection about 8 million times. A guy who I was working with had just dumped me. I knew the breakup was coming. In fact, after two years we had started trying an open thing, which basically just allowed us to start new relationships before we had officially ended this one. 


When we officially broke up I wasn’t surprised, but it hit me hard later. I wanted this too, but he made the call. I was rejected first. Seeing him every Monday night was torture. During the week, I felt focused and free. I rarely thought of him, but come shift time on Mondays, I found myself dressing up for him as though that would change things. Rejection. Screw it. It was then that I realised getting dumped is simply a ego-bruise


There Is No Good Time To Break Up With Someone, Ever

How many times have you heard someone who was just dumped say, “And on New Years, so brutal” or “How could he/she do this so close to my dog’s birthday?” Get real.


Dumpers: There is never a good time to break up with someone, ever, so when you know you want out you should just buck up and do it. It’s far crueler to stay with someone out of pity, fear, cowardliness or laziness. While we’re on the subject of ripping the Band Aid off, if you have been hanging out with someone long enough to need to actually break it off to get out of seeing them, then a text is not an acceptable method of communication.
Dumpees: Life sucks. Toughen up. You are not alone.


Take A Break

I once had a two-year relationship with this guy we’ll call Dale. Dale was an incredible boyfriend. He had manners, he was hot, he was driven, witty and he was a slayer in bed. It was only when Dale and I broke up that I realised the magic of not speaking and how it can save your life after breaking up.


Dumpers: Do not text, phone, email, Facebook, Instagram, tweet or communicate with the person you broke up with for at least half the amount of time you were together, or until the person you dumped says it is OK. And even then, proceed with caution.
Dumpees: You know what rules about Facebook? You can hide people from your feed without deleting them. This is what you need to do when you have been dumped. (While we’re on the subject on Facebook, never put your relationship status on there, seriously. It sucks when you break up.) You also need to email the dumper and say you cannot speak until you feel OK. They will get it. Plus, they probably don’t want to talk to you for a while either. Ban yourself from communication and if you see them in public, say hello politely and move along. Restraint is what it’s all about here.


Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Hear The Answers To

Just don’t. Don’t ask about who your ex is sleeping with or what they were doing with that guy at that bar. Ignorance is bliss. Slip up, Sleep Together And You Are Doomed.


Dumpers: If you dump someone and you sleep with them, it’s not going to end well. They want more than just sex. They probably want to win you back because even if they know you shouldn’t be together, this whole game is about power. Don’t do it. You’ll be in a world of drama when it’s over.
Dumpees: As much as you want to sleep with your ex for whatever reason, it’s always a losing game. Again, restraint.


Focus on Yourself

Dumpers/Dumpees: You are now single. It’s time to focus on yourself and what you want. This is a liberating time. Never forget that. Breaking up is not the end of the world. There will be another relationship, another great love and another bad ending. It’s just life. We all do it and we’re all still here, aren’t we?

Souce: http://au.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/breakup-rules.html?utm_source=01.%20AskMen%20Newsletter%20-%20ALL&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Weekly%20June%2001_4742_217068_217129&utm_content=6791238

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Of Rock, Pebbles and Sand Philosophy.

A philosophy professor stood before the class one day, when the class began, wordlessly the lecturer took out an empty jar and proceeded to fill up the jar with 2" in diameter rocks into it. He then asked the students, if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

Then the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He then shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the student again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, as you have guessed it, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now" said the professor. "I want you to realize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things- God, your passion, your family, your health, your true friends - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

Whereas the pebbles are the other things in life that matter but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent your job, work and home. Lastly the sand is everything else. The small stuff and the material possession; jewellery, your car, your investments.

The same can be applied to your lives. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are truly important. Pay attention to the things in life that are critical to your happiness and well-being; for instance put more attention to your family, play with your children, get a medical check-up, exercise.; take care of the rock first- the thing that really matters. Set your priorities right and the rest is just sand.

On top of this,

Upon explaining the items mentioned, the professor took out a bottle of beer and pour it into the jar and of course the beer filled the remaining space within the jar making the jar truly full. On a lighter note, there is always a room for beer no matter how full your life is.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Egoism

There is a saying:
"Success is never so sweet as when it accompanied by the failure of a friend."

Horrible saying but deep in its roots there is a bitter truth. We as a human like that. It gave us joy and feel superior over our best friends in their worst time. This is a quality we all share. After millennia of evolution, human learned to set some rules in his life and divide his actions in to good and evil. But somewhere along the way we forgot who we are. We forgot we are a being derived with selfishness. We are alive because of that egoism in our life. We very well try to hide it bit we all know it’s in there. Deep down we haven’t yet evolved. We just change our skins.
It is my belief that in order for human to evolve, they ought to embrace their selfishness. Only by embracing it that we can truly understand ourselves and in that process we get to next level. The higher path.

-Boston Legal, Season 3 Episode 24-

Friday, February 25, 2011

A wise man once sat in the audience & cracked a joke.
All laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He cracked the same joke again & again, When there was no laughter in the crowd,
he smiled and said

"When u can't laugh on the same joke again & again, then why do u keep crying over the same thing over and over again"

Lesson : Forget the past and move on…