Why You Have To Ask Her Father

When other men ask me how I proposed to my wife, I like to package the story as a planning exercise. I present my proposal as the end of an operational process -- the successful product of setting and respecting a budget and timeline, then knocking off a series of milestones (buying the ring, scouting proposal venues, etc.). I tell the story this way because that’s how I like to remember it (I am a super-planner who reminisces about well-executed plans of the past), but also because I know that's what other men want to hear. When a guy asks you how you proposed, it's not because he's a sucker for romance. It's because he's planning to pop the question himself and is in need of guidance and reassurance. Describing the process as a detached and mechanical one, similar to planning a camping trip, makes it easier to embark on.

My story hits a snag, however, when I get into the least plannable and thus most stressful part of the proposal experience: asking her father for permission. It’s tough to forecast when the right moment will be to pull him aside, and near-impossible to guess what direction the discussion will take when you do. This particular milestone is shrouded in uncertainty, and I figure that’s why so many guys resist it. "Do you really have to ask him permission? Isn’t that a bit old-school?" Well, yes, it is kind of old-school, in the same way that opening the car door for her is. That’s part of the point.


You absolutely have to ask her father for permission before proposing. If you don’t, your failure to do so will haunt you forever. Here’s why.

Because Respect Breeds Respect

Men used to call their fathers-in-law “Sir” and made a show of losing games of canasta to them. You deferred to him for the simple reason that he had toughed through more of life than you had, and because you knew that your gestures of respect would later entitle you to similar groveling from your own future son-in-law. Alas, in their reckless pursuit for total equality, the baby boomers have razed the male hierarchy, and today young men approach their girlfriends’ dads with the goal of becoming “buddies.”


Well, guess what? He doesn’t want to be your buddy. He wants your respect, but has been socialized to no longer expect it. When you give it to him, you’ll set yourself apart from every other guy under 30 in his life -- including all his daughter’s ex-boyfriends.

Because It Will Fill Up Her Romance Rolodex

In an article for us, Wendy Walsh wrote that “a highly emotional romantic courtship before marriage breeds positive memories that help a couple ride out the rough patches.” You will not have a single better opportunity to stock her up on positive memories than at the moment of your proposal. So you need to maximize it by going 100% cheesy, rose petals and all. This includes respecting all the traditional rituals, from asking her dad at the outset to bending on one knee in the moment. 
Furthermore, consider every element of your proposal to be an item on a romance checklist that she will soon be cross-referencing with the checklists of her married female friends. Women are viciously competitive creatures; giving her occasion to boast that you pursued the face-to-face with her dad that their husbands pansied out of gives you serious currency.

Because You Don’t Really Have To

My own proposal was one of my proudest moments as a super-planner. I ticked off all the items on the romantic checklist, came in on budget and did it all -- from conception to execution -- in under three weeks. It would have been even more efficient were it not for the four days I spent hovering nervously around my prospective father-in-law, waiting for the right moment for the talk. As it turned out, I spent most of the talk explaining what the talk was. My father-in-law is French, and requesting permission is not at all a part of the marriage tradition there. When I launched into my speech, he didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.

So, for all my anxiety, I didn't really have to ask for permission. And you won’t really have to either -- at least in the sense that no one will call you out on it if you don't. But asking her father for permission is one of those tough things in life that you have to do precisely because you don’t have to. You can’t rely on anyone else's expectations to corral you into doing so -- only your own. When you do, you show him, her and the rest of the family that you have high expectations for yourself.

The only guys I know who deny the necessity of asking a father-in-law for permission are those who neglect to do so. When they deny it, they do so angrily. Every guy I know who did ask him permission boasts of doing so proudly -- like I just did, and like I hope you will. You will have earned it.